ready or not

I had never planned on having kids this early in my life.

When Joey and I got married two years ago, we had already decided to wait three or four years before trying to have a baby. Three or four years to finish school [or at least have it well underway], to get a bit settled in together as a couple, and to
selfishlyhave some time to ourselves before having to devote ourselves entirely to another human being.

When we found out in early November that we were expecting, I definitely had mixed emotions regarding the whole thing. I was over the moon excited, but at the sane time this was not something we had even been thinking about, nor were we going to start thinking about it for quite some time. I still felt like a newlywed, and I wanted to spend more time with my husband, able to travel and stay out late and not worry quite so much about money for just a little longer. My thoughts were completely selfish, but not necessarily wrong -- I do think a husband and wife need that time together before bringing children into their family.

Now that she has arrived, I would never go back to sleep-filled nights and crack-less nipples. It's quite the cliché, and maybe it's just the slightly overtired, hormonal mother coming out in me, but it seems to be true.

I can't imagine her not being around.
And I don't want to.

My selfishness now stems not from what I would miss out on if I had to fully care for another person, but instead from wanting to be everything to one person so as not to miss a single moment.

Sitting here with my week-old baby, I've never been happier to say that what I had planned just didn't work out.

{ photo courtesy of jordan mattie }