the first day

It’s nearly three o’clock on a Wednesday afternoon, and I’m starting a blog.

I’m still wearing my pyjamas, and my morning was spent reading, writing, and preparing my heart for what is coming.

My day should have been spent in a classroom. I should have been talking about assessment, literacy, and inclusion. If you had asked me two weeks ago where I would be at 3:00 on a Wednesday afternoon, I would have undoubtedly given “Xavier Hall” as my response, and kept on my merry way.

Obviously, something has changed.

I laboured over my heart, over my head, over the difference between what the two wanted. I prayed, spending many nights in tears with my husband by my side, simply unsure.

On a Saturday night, a week and a half ago, I called my mother with watery eyes, afraid to tell her what I knew was necessary. I told her that I was having a bit of a life-crisis. That I wasn’t happy. I had called three times already that week, trying to get my lips to form around the words, never quite able to squeak them out. Finally, on my third try, I did it.

I’m dropping out.

This is the first day.

“Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.”

- Steve Jobs, Stanford commencement speech, June 2005