in the lacking

the world of mommy-blogging [though I don't really consider myself a part] is full of guilting + shaming. every mom believes their choices are best for their family, otherwise they [hopefully] wouldn't make them. however, many moms believe their choices are the best for everyone. I've gone back + forth on whether or not to post this, fearing the response from mothers who don't agree with my decisions. in the end, these are my decisions for my family, and this is my heart, so I'm going to share it anyway.

you may or may not have noticed that I haven't been overly present this past week.

I wrote a bit, but didn't read much, despite my desire to get through + comment on all of the Influence Network meetup posts. I scanned through twitter each day, but didn't add much to the conversation. I left emails unread in my inbox for a time when I could actually devote the energy required to dealing with them.

part of this lack has to do with the extraction of four wisdom teeth last wednesday. I had a pretty easy go of it -- no extreme pain or infection thus far, and I was able to eat solid food the next day -- although the sedation didn't work and I remember every last bit of it. my mother came down to spend the rest of the week with us, to help out with rowan while joey continued working, and it was lovely to spend time with her + watch her love on her granddaughter. I am so grateful to have parents who are willing to drop pretty much anything to help out; when rowan is involved, they'll drop work so quick it would make your head spin.

but the dental surgery has played a bigger part in a way I wasn't expecting.

I've been forced to make the very tough decision, in an extremely short amount of time, to wean rowan from nursing. up to this point, other than the addition of a meal or two a day of solid food the past two months, she's been exclusively breastfed. we were blessed with a great latch and a good supply from the beginning, without so much as a day of trouble. I actually really like nursing.

it's easy [for us -- I know this isn't the case for everyone!].
it's free.
it's always available.
until it's not.

a week or so before my surgery, I started pumping some extra milk, once a day, to amass enough to bottle-feed while I was on pain medication. I had enough in the fridge and freezer to last nearly a week, just in case I needed extra drugging to deal with excess pain. I pumped + dumped while I was still in the 24 hour window for the sedation to wear off, and while I was taking the tylenol 3 I had been prescribed.

when I tried nursing again, however, it was clear that my supply had dropped. significantly enough that rowan would still take almost a full bottle after I fed her. it has been a frustrating couple of days, to say the least. I attempted to build my supply back up with extra feedings and tried [unsuccessfully] to force rowan to stay on longer, to increase the demand. she wasn't having any of it. she didn't want to stay at my breast, getting nothing, when there were toys to be played with and floors to army-crawl on.

exclusively pumping hasn't seemed to work either. as much as I try, my supply is definitely decreasing. what used to be a 7-8oz pumped bottle in the morning is now down to 3-4oz, and decreasing each day. other than the first pump of the day, I can't pump more than an ounce and a half before my body gives up on me.

so, faced with an empty breast, a hungry child, and a can of formula I received in the mail [seriously: how do these people find out a woman is pregnant?!], I made the best choice I could, through tears, for our family at this time.

am I disappointed that I wasn't able to continue nursing throughout rowan's first year? absolutely. am I frustrated with and feeling betrayed by my body? um YES.

but I'm taking things a day at a time.
still trying to pump and give rowan all the breastmilk I can.
selfishly looking forward to not being the only person who can feed her.
weeping at the thought of doing life without that time together.
insanely grateful for the eight months I have been able to spend with her.