latter days

I've struggled much of my life with feeling insignificant. not only unworthy, inadequate, or unloveable, but so completely insignificant that anything I could do to make myself worthy or enough or loved would be bypassed entirely. 

this feeling grew and grew, until I no longer saw the point in even trying. it was pushed along by expectations that I would never be able to meet, by comments about the way I looked. it was pushed along by family and friends who pushed me, unknowingly, into thinking that I wasn't good enough, that I could never be good enough, and therefore I should just shrink into the background.

my introversion didn't help. by no means am I blaming my sense of insignificance on being an introvert. the two absolutely do not go hand in hand. but because I'm not the type to audibly combat these feelings, because I don't tend to push back against those who push me, I let myself believe that my life was inconsequential.

this led to years of quiet self-harm, from an age so young I don't even want to believe it myself. I didn't even know that self-harming was a thing, but I managed to figure it out and I was very good at keeping it to myself. 

it wasn't until almost five years later, when my depression had spiralled out of control -- taking over my eating habits, my comings + goings, my every thought -- that my youth pastor caught on and it all came out in a flurry of worried tears and harsh words. once more, I felt inconsequential. the way I was feeling seemed to only affect others insomuch as how it looked from the outside. I had missed most of my junior year of high school, and that appeared to be the most important thing to everyone.

I tried a lot of things to make myself feel. I didn't even care what the sensation happened to be, good or bad, I just wanted the numbness to abate. medication only made me more detached. relationships were a temporary fix. hurting myself was really only hurting myself {this makes so much sense on the outside, but mental illness can + does cloud logic}.

in my second year of university, two years into a relationship with the man who would be my husband, we both decided to get serious. he found acceptance in Jesus for the first time, and I rekindled a romance that had begun years ago but had been pushed aside by the lie that I was insignificant, even to Jesus.

I have experienced insurmountable freedom in realizing and truly understanding that my insignificance is only in light of the cross, and not others. my worth is found in Jesus. I am worthy to speak His name, because He tells me so. hallelujah + amen!

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I have been ridiculously blessed to be a part of the Overcome the Lie team as design manager. for many of the blog tour contributors, I've designed a custom print + they are all up for sale in the overcome the lie shop! head on over there to check out this print and more!