glimpses of pride

can I be honest a moment?

I've never been one to struggle with pride.

not that I have obtained anything or am perfect in any way. I have certainly been prideful a handful of times in my life, but nothing that lasted more than a short minute. nothing that swallowed me whole and threatened to drown me. as sin often has a way of doing.

no, I am confident in the fact that God has blessed me -- even while I wasn't actively seeking His will -- with modesty + respectfulness, with a willingness to submit to His authority.

but I have seen it.

or rather, I was smacked in the face with it.

but wait, let's rewind a little, shall we?

it was a friday night before the new year. I was at LIFE, the weekly worship service held on campus for + by the christian fellowship group there. I was singing for the first time in awhile, maybe even the first time since the beginning of the year, because of my shift in responsibilities in having a child. {what? you mean I can't just leave home + have a life like I used to? oh.}

I was leading worship with my husband + the band, and I was going for it. I was singing hard, I was worshipping hard, and I was loving every minute of it. the freedom to be out there, baby asleep at home with a sitter, was tangible. His presence was real + thick. I got caught up.

my voice broke.
and again.
the worst when all you want to do is sing forever, for His glory.

but was it?

I took extra sips of water + peppermint tea. I stood back from the microphone + let Joey take the lead on a few choruses I typically would have sung. I prayed that He would give me a voice to sing songs to Him.

but were they?

a few people were coming up to the front of the room, telling stories, sharing pieces of their hearts, and as I stood back, out of the light, I saw it.

or rather, I was smacked in the face with it.

I had become so caught up with singing into a microphone, I was no longer singing lyrics, praises to Him. the songs had become mere melodies, pleasing to the ear but vanity to the heart.

as the last person finished speaking + went back to the floor, we waited for whomever was to give the word for the evening; I stepped up to the microphone again, this time to share my heart. my pride, my sin in that current moment.

but I didn't.

I kept it to myself. I went down with the band + sat while the room listened to scriptural anecdotes. I cried out to God. I asked His forgiveness. I wanted to sing to Him, not just about Him. I wanted my voice to be used to bring Him glory in that space, not just to sound pretty.

I'll tell you: He listens. He hears your groanings. He covets your praises. He covets your life.

and when you're willing to give it to Him,
He will let you sing.


in what ways have you seen pride in your own life? how have you battled it?