empty

this month has been a wild one.

moving
half-settling
traveling
moving again
teething
and too much not doing.

I've been emptied, and this blog has remained emptier still.

but we're coming around. we're starting to get settled in a city we thought was familiar, but we've discovered is brand new. we're finding our place in a church we can fully call home. we're slowly working on building community, while rebuilding what marriage looks like living with our parents.

me?

I'm stir-crazy and don't know where or how to run. I've literally started running again for the first time in well over a year, in order to shake out the crazy that's trying to take residence in my bones.

I'm  broken and unsure why my answer isn't simply to pray about it. there isn't any dust on my bible, there isn't any lack of time. there is lack of trust and a stubborn heart that whispers through clenched teeth, "let me do it."

but I can't.
I can only fall.

my heart is weary of the striving. the trying to fix it all myself. the pouring out and relying on vices to fill me up again. the emptiness.

and then there's my favourite part of Ephesians 2.

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ — by grace you have been saved.
Ephesians 2:4-5

BUT GOD.
He makes all things new.
He leads me to stand when all I can muster is a soft whimper.
He empties me to fill me up again.