DISCERN

Discerning God's will is tough, you guys.

As I seek renewal in my heart + life, I'm consistently being humbled by His grace and glory. My sweet friend Nadine wrote a post last week about praying + fasting without telling anybody, as we're called to in Matthew 6. I read her words and had to go to a quiet corner right away, to sit on the floor and question my heart, my motive in the seeking. I know that if I'm fasting and praying from a state of seeking praise and acknowledgement, it will get me nowhere. I will not find God's heart, nor will I be renewed. And I wondered if I should continue writing. If sharing this last piece of the beginning of renewal was actually sinful, if my heart was prideful.

It took a few extra days of searching my own heart, trying to make absolutely sure my motives were pure. Sometimes I'm really good at convincing myself that my heart is pure when actually it's pretty black. Amen?

So I'm moving forward, into discerning His heart one step further.

Most people don't hear audibly from God. And for those of us who do, chances are He's not answering specific questions right when we want Him to. We wait on Him and press in to hear His heart, but sometimes we feel like we're flying blind.

When I began seeking His will as to which area of my life He wants to renew in this immediate season, I figured it was a no-brainer. While fasting, it became clear to me that getting up early is essential for me to love well. During a week of intense prayer about the renewal of my life for His glory, I discovered that not only do I need to start my day early, but I have to actually start a day. I was sure that after a time of searching His heart, my goal would be simply to get up with a plan for my day, whatever that entailed.

Then He showed me more. He shared with me my biggest struggle, and how He wants to free me from it.

I have extremely low self-confidence. Like, LOW. I have a hard time believing that I'm qualified for anything, least of all God's work. 

A lot of my self-confidence issues stem back to my body. I'm not a small girl. I inherited my mother's hips and thighs, and while those helped me through an easy labor + delivery, they're a source of discontentment in my day-to-day. And of course there's the famous baby pooch which hasn't yet flattened itself out.

I want to serve God well with my life, and with my body. I have often shied away from doing something out of my comfort zone because I'm not comfortable in my own skin. THIS is what I'm waking up for in my current season. THIS is how He is choosing to begin renewing me. 

God is more than capable of giving me a brand new body today, but I have a feeling I'm going to have to work for it.