DISCERN

Discerning God's will is tough, you guys.

As I seek renewal in my heart + life, I'm consistently being humbled by His grace and glory. My sweet friend Nadine wrote a post last week about praying + fasting without telling anybody, as we're called to in Matthew 6. I read her words and had to go to a quiet corner right away, to sit on the floor and question my heart, my motive in the seeking. I know that if I'm fasting and praying from a state of seeking praise and acknowledgement, it will get me nowhere. I will not find God's heart, nor will I be renewed. And I wondered if I should continue writing. If sharing this last piece of the beginning of renewal was actually sinful, if my heart was prideful.

It took a few extra days of searching my own heart, trying to make absolutely sure my motives were pure. Sometimes I'm really good at convincing myself that my heart is pure when actually it's pretty black. Amen?

So I'm moving forward, into discerning His heart one step further.

Most people don't hear audibly from God. And for those of us who do, chances are He's not answering specific questions right when we want Him to. We wait on Him and press in to hear His heart, but sometimes we feel like we're flying blind.

When I began seeking His will as to which area of my life He wants to renew in this immediate season, I figured it was a no-brainer. While fasting, it became clear to me that getting up early is essential for me to love well. During a week of intense prayer about the renewal of my life for His glory, I discovered that not only do I need to start my day early, but I have to actually start a day. I was sure that after a time of searching His heart, my goal would be simply to get up with a plan for my day, whatever that entailed.

Then He showed me more. He shared with me my biggest struggle, and how He wants to free me from it.

I have extremely low self-confidence. Like, LOW. I have a hard time believing that I'm qualified for anything, least of all God's work. 

A lot of my self-confidence issues stem back to my body. I'm not a small girl. I inherited my mother's hips and thighs, and while those helped me through an easy labor + delivery, they're a source of discontentment in my day-to-day. And of course there's the famous baby pooch which hasn't yet flattened itself out.

I want to serve God well with my life, and with my body. I have often shied away from doing something out of my comfort zone because I'm not comfortable in my own skin. THIS is what I'm waking up for in my current season. THIS is how He is choosing to begin renewing me. 

God is more than capable of giving me a brand new body today, but I have a feeling I'm going to have to work for it.

PRAY

for one week, I fasted. of course, fasting has prayer built right in, but I decided to take a second week -- the one just gone by -- really focusing on praying for my life + the direction in which it's headed.

I'm looking to be renewed; not to improve myself but to point to Jesus in all things. I definitely haven't been doing that lately. not in caring for my family and definitely not in caring for myself. while I'm striving to get all the things done, or thinking about what's next on the list, I'm burning out. less and less is actually accomplished each day, fatigue is taking over, and motivation is waning as I try once again to do it all in my own strength.

focusing on prayer was not easy. honestly, I don't know that I did it justice, but I spent a week asking God where wants me: whether or not I should be out working or at home with Rowan in this season, where my thoughts + allegiances should lie, and how I should go about it all while living with others who don't share my priorities.

just as at the end of the fast, when it became clear that my affinity for early rising isn't just a preference but a necessity, praying confirmed that not only do I need to get up in the morning + start my day, but I need to actually start a day. while it's good for me to wake early, spend some time in the Word, and maybe squeeze in a run or a workout, it's even better for me to do these things knowing there's a real day to follow. 

being at home with Rowan, while a huge blessing + so much fun, has been hard on me. I stopped working just as I was hitting my 39th week of pregnancy, and spent two weeks waiting for our baby to make its arrival. just over a year later, the nothing is catching up to me. too many days go by without any real schedule, other than a bit of laundry or a meal plan. in order to thrive -- personally and as a wife + mother -- I need rhythm in my days, a steady beat to live within.

as I look ahead to the next week, my focus is on discerning which areas of my life + heart God would tackle first. which rhythm He would play through my days. 

a week of quiet and as much solitude as I can find at home with my family. a week of seeking + listening. [mostly listening.]

am I missing your tried + true way of discerning God's heart in your life?

FAST

I'm no stranger to the act of fasting.

in the past few years, I've done three long-term fasts of a week or more. of course I don't cut out food entirely for weeks on end -- that would be unhealthy + unwise. I've followed the Daniel Fast twice, just finishing up a shortened version [one week instead of three] yesterday.

in my search for renewal in a new + unfamiliar space, I knew that the first thing I had to do was fast. it meant sacrificing a few things [in this case, certain foods + drink] in order to focus more clearly on God + His will for this season I'm in.

after a week of no animal products, preservatives, yeast, sugar, or drinks other than water, my body feels good. my mind feels even better. I was able to hone in on the things that are clogging up my days, as well as some things that leave me feeling light + fresh.

I like to wake up early. in my senior year of university, I found myself going to bed at 9pm and waking around 5am almost every day. I probably didn't have a normal university experience. but in that season of early to bed + early to rise, my days ran smoothly, I studied better, and I had healthier days in general. I was getting enough sleep instead of staying up half the night doing silly things, and I got much-needed alone time in the mornings while my five housemates were still in bed.

the past two months, living with my parents, have been the complete opposite. they like to stay up late, as does my husband, and even though I know better, I have a hard time going to bed before everyone else. even Rowan's bedtime has been pushed back -- it's nearing [or sometimes past!] 10pm by the time she's tired, and she doesn't wake until 11am. her sleeping in has been a bit of a blessing to me, because I'm able to sleep in later as well, to catch up on the rest I've missed by crawling into bed well past the midnight hour.

this early bedtime + early waking thing is not an AHA! moment I gleaned while fasting. it's something that's been apparent to me for the past four years.

BUT, this week while I spent time with God in my face instead of the sour cream container, it became clearer that waking early after a full night's sleep isn't just a preference of mine, it's a necessity. it's something that my body + my mind need in order to love Jesus, to love others, and to love well.

what's a simple thing you need in order to love well?

A NEED TO RENEW

the days have gotten away from me.
I feel like I'm still trying to catch up on May, and here we've passed the middle of June.

it's been two months since we moved, and I feel like we're only just getting settled. our eating habits are out of control -- we seem to be stuck in the frozen-pizza-because-we're-moving-and-I-don't-want-to-cook stage -- we'll have a few days, a week of good home-cooked meals, and then McDonalds happens.  many days still look like a mess, waking whenever Rowan is ready to start her day and living in a fog until noon.

I haven't been taking care of myself, my family is neglected, I put off writing because I didn't want to have this very discussion with myself. this yoga pants, night owl, french fries hole is easy to fall into and tough to escape. and because I've been going into the act of changing, of pulling up my real pants + telling myself that enough is enough, with myself as motivation, telling myself that I need to improve my health, improve my parenting, improve my quiet time -- it hasn't worked.

in a flurry of iPad bible pages being flipped and paying zero attention to the conversation around me last night, it became clear that I had to step back from myself for a moment. it isn't bad or selfish to be healthy, to be a good parent, to have a great prayer life. but they can be done selfishly. these things can easily become idols as we live out our days, sometimes grasping at moments to get through.

instead, I'm resting in knowing that I am renewed in knowledge in the image of my creator.  I am defined by Christ, included in Christ.

today, instead of promising myself all over again to eat better, exercise, drink lots of water, to schedule each minute of my day, to spend time with God and with Rowan instead of hiding behind a screen, I'm stepping back. these changes are all good, and I believe He wants to see me thrive in each area of my life. but trying to do all the things in my own strength will leave me burnt out and bitter.

so I'm taking twenty-one days to fast, pray, and discern what it is God would like me to work on first.

won't you join me?