a fierce warrior

Rowan has been resisting sleep lately. you'd swear we were trying to put her into a crib filled with hot lava, for the anger she emits when we lay her down for naps. of course, it doesn’t last more than a few minutes before she’s fast asleep. however, what used to be two or three hour naps are now forty-five minutes, tops.

this mama misses her alone time.

night time isn’t much better. she sleeps through the night no trouble {thank you, Lord!}, but getting her to go down is almost as difficult as putting drops into my eyes. you can ask my husband {he’s the one who has to try and get them in if I need them}, it’s a task.

last night was no different. she actually went down easily enough at bedtime, which had shifted from 6:30pm to 7pm-ish with daylight saving time. she awoke, however, after her first sleep cycle [forty-five minutes] and was very obviously upset with being alone in her room. I went in once to do some soothing, but when I laid her back down in her crib, she came out of her half-asleep, dopey state and started whining again. I left the room quietly, hoping she would settle down after a minute, but soon accepted the fact that it wasn’t happening.

I sent Joey a quick text, asking him what to do. I didn’t want to just leave her crying in her room, but at the same time, we want her to be able to soothe herself and learn to put herself to sleep. he told me that when he puts her to bed, he always prays over her and her room for the night. I usually pray “with” her -- simple words that she will hopefully pray soon enough at bedtime. but I figured it couldn’t hurt, and when I sat down with her in her rocking chair, I began interceding on her behalf.

I prayed over the room; that it be protected from darkness, a dwelling place for the Spirit while she slept. I prayed for her heart, her mind, her body; that she feel the fullness of His peace + rest. I paused when I felt her body go limp and her breathing even out, her little hands curled at her side, mouth open, knees tucked up toward her belly; I took a minute to kiss everything I could reach without moving + waking her. then I kept praying a few minutes more. {I'm beginning to understand how fleeting these baby moments really are.}

as I paused to breathe a thank you for God’s covering in her space, I felt a cool breeze and got chills all over my body. I experienced God say six words that I will be praying over her life from this day on:

on the threshold of home

the four hour drive feels shorter and shorter as each year passes with us still making it. it's been seven years since we've really lived there, but somehow the longing remains.

much has changed in those years -- university diplomas, marriage certificates, and a birth certificate are among the most tangible -- and while I've often thought we too had changed, so much so that going back wasn't an option, here we stand.

the drive used to feel so lengthy. so time-consuming. at first, the leaving was the longest. I won't lie: there was a time when packing up the car to come to this small university town brought many tears to my eyes. but time after time of making the trip brought more security, more friendship, more community; eventually this place felt like it had become a second home.

it will always hold a place so dear in my heart, this small town. it's where I've learned and loved. I've learned to love. this is where I was reintroduced to the Jesus who had captured my heart at fifteen. my first apartment as a married woman is here. I've made decisions that would affect my future, my career, my life. my first child has grown here, from conception to birth and now eight beautiful months into life. I have grown here, from teenager to adult, from single to married, from childless to mother.

from lost to set free.

and now we return. to what we've long considered the old ways, but are new once again to us.
years + growth will do that -- turn something old into something brand new again.

and just like that, we're going home.

writing with Lisa Jo Baker for Five Minute Friday. 

hop on over + see how others interpret home.

the meaning of community

yesterday, while I was talking about running after an increase of passion + desperation for Jesus in my life, I quickly mentioned the community by which I’ve been blessed over the past seven years. here's a bit more.

I graduated from high school in 2006 and moved one province over, to Nova Scotia. I studied at a small, formerly catholic {now secular} school whose numbers doubled the town’s population while school was in session. I chose StFX over a bigger school in a city {Carleton University in Ottawa was a major contender} for the education.
tiny school = more one-on-one time = better learning environment, right?

in my freshman year, I relished the thought of being away from home for the first time, out from under the gaze of my parents, eager to not have to go to church on sundays or have to go to bed at a decent hour. excited to be in a residence with hundreds of students my age, including my boyfriend + my best friend, who happened to be roommates.

I wasn’t looking for a relationship with Jesus. I had been down that road before; I’d been hurt by my home church in the year prior + I figured I'd move on from the whole christian scene. little did I know that the summer youth director at my church had emailed the then-leader of the christian fellowship group on campus, asking him to look out for the three students who would be coming from her youth group.

on society night, as we checked out the clubs + groups available to us throughout the school year, we happened upon the christian fellowship’s table. the three of us signed our names + email addresses, although I’ll admit, I didn’t have any intention of actually going to their meetings. they were sure to be lame.

but when we placed the pen back on the table, the guy sitting by the sign looked at the paper + then back up at us with excitement. "you’re the Miramichi crew!” he exclaimed. he remembered our names from the youth director’s email + was intentional about following up with us. this made all the difference to me. now it was personal.

we met a few more people who were a part of xavier christian fellowship over the next few days, and went to the year’s first meeting, which turned out to be a worship service. they held these each friday night + they. were. super.

over the next few years I would learn the meaning of community.

 

in this strange little place, christians shared {at least a good portion of} their possessions. they worshipped, prayed, ate + did life together. it’s not something you expect to see on a university campus. it’s not something that many adult christians have even managed to accomplish organically {none at all, that I’ve seen}. but this group of forty-or-so 18-22 year olds had it down to a science. it wasn’t forced. there wasn’t any real effort put forth. it just was.

and we lived it.

in my senior year, I lived in a house with five ladies from the christian fellowship. a seventh woman lived downstairs in the basement apartment, and five more next door. there was a house down the street where three guys lived + another across town with six other members divided into the home’s two apartments.

the boyfriend + I got married after graduation, so we don't live with others in the community anymore, but the group still meets as a whole for dinner once a week, with many pockets of brothers + sisters dining together at other points. there are four different bible studies, two prayer groups, and a worship service, all spread out through the week. for the most part, the groups are facilitated by full-time students. the fellowship as a whole is completely volunteer-based. completely love-based.

my hope is that the students who remain here once we’ve gone will not take for granted the community that has been established. that they will pour out time + heart + money from their own pockets -- freely + without hesitation. because it’s what they’re called to do.

each one is a “broke student,” yet those with the least are offering drives to the grocery store, contributing to potlucks, giving up precious time to pray with their brothers + sisters. because it’s what they’re called to do.

doing life together.

because it’s what we’re called to do.

my heart: weary + rejoicing

let's sit awhile + chat. stretch out on my big green rug in front of the heater, surrounded by the mess of baby toys + laundry -- forgive me for that. you can get yourself your own glass of water or a cup of tea; that's the way things work in my home. it becomes your home too, the moment you step in the door.

we can stay here + pour our hearts out to one another. it happens pretty naturally when we sit together, you + I.

my heart has been weary of late. heavy with the weight of the Christian community not living in Christ, but merely coexisting with Him. fitting Him into their schedules whenever they see fit, but the rest of the time, it's day to day. mundane. selfish.

my heart has been weary of late. aware that this coexistence occurs in my own life. I find myself scheduling time with Him, but letting it slip away with the second hand when things get "busy". I know that living in Christ is what I'm called to, but some days, when the dishes are piled up + the diapers need to be laundered + the baby won't nap for more than fifteen minutes at a time, it's easy to tell myself that God won't mind if I'm a day late. or maybe three days. or oops it's been a month.

and then comes the guilt.
but Jesus paid it all -- not just a portion! -- so that I might live. even when I mess up more often than I open my bible.

despite my sinful, heavy, guilty heart, my mouth has done much rejoicing in the past few days. because He has paid it all. all because of His love for me. how marvelous! oh, how wonderful!

there is joy unspeakable in His name. it's obvious + pouring out through His word. I need to devote more time to reading it. you need to devote more time to reading it. His words on our hearts will get us through the battle.

maybe next time you come over, we'll just read silently, side-by-side on the couch. it's one of my favourite things to do with you, don't you know.

linking up with alissa for coffee date friday

#PrayerDare

I'm super excited to be involved in + announce the launch of this brand-spanking-new initiative, brought together by Amanda of A Royal Daughter. You'll be hearing more about this all throughout the year, but for now, I'll leave it to Amanda to get you well acquainted.

Hi y'all. My name is Amanda and I blog at A Royal Daughter. I'm really not here to talk about me, so if you want to know more, head on over to my little space on the internet and say hi!

I've been working with a handful of amazing, godly, praying women, and together we are excited to announce the launch of a brand new, year-long community initiative: #PrayerDare

What is #PrayerDare?

#PrayerDare is: an online community initiative with the goal of equipping, encouraging, and holding women accountable to practice the daily discipline of prayer. Each month, the #PrayerDare community will dedicate the entire month to praying for a specific topic. #PrayerDare will launch on February 1, and we'll be spending the "month of love" praying for our husbands*.

* For those of you who are not married, PLEASE don't feel excluded. In fact, we want to extend a special invitation for you to join us one of two ways:

1. Join us by spending 28 days praying for a man in your life who holds special importance, but is married to someone else. We're talking about guys like your dad, brother, pastor, or maybe even your best friend's husband. The point is, they need to be prayed for, and there's nothing that says it can't be you praying for them.

2. If you do not feel called to singleness, why don't you consider joining us by spending 28 days praying for your future husband? We know that God's not bound by time or circumstances, and spending a month praying for your future husband is probably one of the best things you can be doing for your future relationship.

All the Single Ladies....

...please join us!



The first goal of #PrayerDare is to equip women to practice the daily discipline of prayer. On February 1 we will be providing free downloadable prayer cards on aroyaldaughter.com. 

The prayer cards are intended to serve two purposes:

1. A daily reminder - After downloading the prayer cards (they will be available in black & white and in color), print them, cut them out, and place them somewhere in your home where they will serve as a daily reminder to spend some intentional, quality time in prayer. Maybe you can put them on your refrigerator, or bathroom mirror. Or you can put them in your Bible or quiet time journal. Just don't put them in file 13. They're no help in file 13.

2. A daily guide - The Lord told us that His Word will not return unto Him void (Isaiah 55:11). Each prayer card will offer a concise and specific prayer that is based on the Word of God. The prayers that we've written are meant to guide you as you begin (or continue!) to practice the daily discipline of prayer. We'd recommend writing your own prayerw, or prayer requests, on the back of each card. They will serve as a sort of testimony to your prayer life, and will allow you to go back and see how God has answered your prayers.

Our second goal is to encourage women to practice the daily discipline of prayer. We'll be building our community of praying women primarily on Twitter and Instagram, using the hashtag #PrayerDare. Following the #PrayerDare hashtag is an easy way to connect online without having to get involved in another website or follow another blog. We know you're busy, so are we! But we're not too busy to spend a few minutes each day praying, and then connecting online and encouraging others to join us.

Our third goal is to hold women accountable to practice the daily discipline of prayer. This is the doozie, right? We think that having someone (or a few hundred someones) holding us accountable is exactly what a lot of us need. So how are we going to do that?

Using the hashtag #PrayerDare, we want you to check in with the community every day. You can tweet, "Hey #PrayerDare sisters! I'm just checking in - have a great day!" or you can be more specific: "I love teaching my kiddos how to pray for their daddy. #PrayerDare" <--- It doesn't matter how you check in, just that you do. And here's where it gets real good, friends. Our idea is that if you miss a day or two or three, someone is going to notice. And it's their responsibility to reach out to you and make sure you're okay.

Did you see that? In order for #PrayerDare to work, each and everyone of us has to take responsibility. We have to be responsible for ourselves: that we check in each day. But we also have to be responsible for others. We need to be actively encouraging other women to pray, and reaching out to them if they slack off. And we need to do it with loads and loads and loads of grace.

FAQ:

I'm not on Twitter or Instagram, how can I connect?

We've created a Facebook page for #Prayer Dare. However, please keep in mind that the primary location of the community will be happening on Twitter and Instagram. So if find yourself on the Facebook page, you might find yourself in a leadership role right away! Feel free to take the reigns and get that community growing!

How do I follow a hashtag?
You can't actually follow a hashtag, so we'd recommend a two-fold system to stay in touch with each other:

1. Search for the hashtag #PrayerDare.

2. Create a list on Twitter for #PrayerDare. As you see new people in the community, add them to your #PrayerDare list.

How will I find people in the community?

Well, you can start tweeting and using the #PrayerDare hashtag! Get the word out there, we don't mind! And on February 1 we'll be hosting a link-up so all those who want to be a part of the #PrayerDare community can link up their Twitter or Instagram accounts. That will be a quick and easy way to make connections!

I'm not really active online, how can I participate?
While the original idea of #PrayerDare was to be an online-community, we DO NOT want to exclude those of you who aren't very active in the virtual world. You are more than welcome to print off the prayer cards. In fact, print as many as you want as often as you want. You can even use them to start your own #PrayerDare community in your local church, MOPS group, gym...you get the idea. The point is: if you do not want to be a part of the online community, make it happen in your own personal sphere of influence.

Can we share prayer requests?
Yes! In fact, if you're comfortable sharing prayer requests, please do. You'll have at your fingertips a whole community of women who will be able to pray for you at a moment's notice. You might want to take advantage of that!

How can I get the word out?

We're glad you asked! Start tweeting using our official hashtag, and it would be super helpful to point your followers to this post. Feel free to share in any way your heart desires. If you plan to join us, you can also put our badge on your website or blog.

<div align="center"><a href="http://www.aroyaldaughter.com/prayerdare/" title="A Royal Daughter"><img src="http://i1227.photobucket.com/albums/ee423/RoyalDaughterDesigns/200X200Button-5.png" alt="A Royal Daughter" style="border:none;" /></a></div>

If you have any questions that haven't already been answered, please contact us! We can't wait to see you on February 1!

one big intention

here we are.
another new year upon us. another chance to get it right. right?

so many people set more than goals + resolutions for a new year, creating a new someone to be, and vowing to become that better, more organized, healthier-all-around person. but looking back from the end, how often does one actually take on the new identity they set out to become at the beginning of the year?

instead of a new self, this year I want to create a sentiment. A posture to hold for the year – through whatever might be thrown at us.


this year will be filled with new – from the firsts that come along with having a curious six-month-old, to applying [+ hopefully being accepted to!] school, to moving away from the first true, physical community of Christians we've ever been a part of + into the uncharted [perhaps nonexistant] community wherever we end up in the fall.

through all the new, this little family of mine needs to stay true to one goal.

not to make or save lots of money + not to go to the best school for us right now {albeit both of those things would be great!}. not to lead bible studies or serve on worship teams, not to read through the bible in its entirety or to serve our family with every ounce of energy we have {although these will all likely come of standing in our sentiment throughout the year}.

no, none of those. instead:

in all that we do, to go hard.

some people need to go away to find their mission, to proclaim God's name + do it with everything they've got. others need to hide behind their online anonymity {and some people hide God's name from their online life – this definitely used to be me!}.

but joey + I know we aren't called to a mission field away from home. we've accepted that the issues we face in real life would still be here, waiting for us when we returned from that far-off land; running from life – even in God's name + with a great purpose – just isn't the answer for us.

instead, our day-to-day lives need to be radical. we need to take God's love and let it radiate through us. to go out on a limb + stay there as long as He calls us.

when we're with our families + friends.
when we're at work or at the grocery store or at the doctor's office.
when we're online.
when our lives get hard.
when we don't get what we want.
when we haven't slept in ohsomanynights.
when we don't have a penny to spare.
when we have all the things.
when we have none of the things.

I am not a teacher

I love kids. I love them with every fibre of my being. I love play time, lunch and snack times, even the dirty stuff like discipline and bathroom time. But loving kids is not enough of a reason to teach kids.

This past summer, a good friend and I opened up a small daycare in her home [as she had done the summer before] and from 8am until 5pm, Monday through Friday, I got my fill of children. There were usually about six of them, ranging in age from two to six, and they were all beautiful. Some were annoying, some were rascals, and some were just plain bad, but they were all beautiful. But thinking kids are beautiful is not enough of a reason to teach kids.

I tried my best most days to feed even the pickiest of eaters. One mother came at the beginning of the summer with her two picky eaters, saying that if they wouldn’t eat what we were serving, we could give them a grilled cheese sandwich or Kraft Dinner, and they would be fine. Heck no, we’re not cooking three different meals for six kids! We fed them all the same thing every single day, picky eaters and and the ones who licked every plate, no matter what was on it. The fussy ones tried a whole bunch of new foods over the course of the summer months, and I daresay they liked most of it. But wanting to share new things with kids is not enough of a reason to teach kids.

I love kids. I love them enough to know that becoming a teacher despite my lack of passion for the profession would not benefit any child. Sure, they would learn from me. I’m even sure they would like me, and I know I would like spending my days with them.

But it’s just not enough.

quitting is winning

When school started at the first of September, I knew right away that the eight months to follow would be rough on me. I’ve known since practice teaching last year that it simply wasn’t my passion, but figured I could use my teaching degree and the skills that come along with it to do something related [potentially guidance, school psychology, or early intervention]. All of these, obviously, require more schooling, but I just needed to get through the BEd, teach a few years while Joey did his Masters/PhD, and then figure out what my next steps would look like.

After the first two weeks of classes, I honestly didn’t know how much more I could take. I know, everyone hates classes and especially everyone in our program felt that the second year of the two-year program was a bit pointless. But most people can suffer through those bits of school that they can’t stand, knowing that in a few more months/years they will be finished and doing something they really love and find fulfillment in. Not I. I was going to class day after day, knowing that even at the end of the two-year tunnel I would be doing something I didn’t enjoy.

I sucked it up for awhile, knowing that a teacher’s salary would be super helpful to our family once Joey was back in school. All the while, a continuous weight was on my shoulders. I’ve dealt with chronic depression since the age of sixteen, usually keeping it under control and out of my daily life, but now it was creeping back in and I didn’t know what to do about it. I had never in my academic career failed a course or dropped out of a program, and didn’t want to disappoint my family and friends by quitting.

Then I woke up. I realized I couldn’t live my life worried about disappointing anyone else, especially if it sacrificed my own happiness and well-being.

After talking on the phone with my mother almost two weeks ago, I knew my mind was mostly made up. I had been debating with myself, going back and forth over the same arguments for weeks. This time, I had to argue one side, not both. I had to tell her why I knew this was the right decision for me, for my happiness, for my well-being. It wasn't until well after I hung up that I realized I truly had been fighting my cause. Not an option, but what would really be best for me in the long run.

I had no idea where this huge change in direction would take me, or even what my first steps off the path would need to be, but I knew that, in my case, to quit was to win.

the first day

It’s nearly three o’clock on a Wednesday afternoon, and I’m starting a blog.

I’m still wearing my pyjamas, and my morning was spent reading, writing, and preparing my heart for what is coming.

My day should have been spent in a classroom. I should have been talking about assessment, literacy, and inclusion. If you had asked me two weeks ago where I would be at 3:00 on a Wednesday afternoon, I would have undoubtedly given “Xavier Hall” as my response, and kept on my merry way.

Obviously, something has changed.

I laboured over my heart, over my head, over the difference between what the two wanted. I prayed, spending many nights in tears with my husband by my side, simply unsure.

On a Saturday night, a week and a half ago, I called my mother with watery eyes, afraid to tell her what I knew was necessary. I told her that I was having a bit of a life-crisis. That I wasn’t happy. I had called three times already that week, trying to get my lips to form around the words, never quite able to squeak them out. Finally, on my third try, I did it.

I’m dropping out.

This is the first day.

“Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.”

- Steve Jobs, Stanford commencement speech, June 2005