embrace your season

Usually when one goes to college or university, their stay is relatively brief. A few years in a campus environment before graduation, and then on to whatever lies next. Apparently I’m not like the usual ones. After high school, I, like most of my senior class, left my hometown to partake in some kind of further education. My parents’ minivan was packed for a four hour drive to a tiny university town one province over.

Five years later I had a Bachelor’s degree in Religious Studies, one year of a two-year Bachelor of Education down, and had recently celebrated my first wedding anniversary. A few weeks into the second year of my BEd, I decided that teaching wasn’t what God had called me to; that for me, to quit was to win.

Since we were already settled in and my husband had a good job in town, we decided to stay until the end of the school year. There is a Christian fellowship group on campus which I’ve been blessed to be a part of since I was a freshman; over the years it has become a fairly comfortable community in which we are able to worship and draw near to God.A few other married couples in the group meant that we had peers who could relate to our married lives. We led bible studies and poured into younger ones, whether they were students or not.

Then we got pregnant …

Click here to read the rest of my post over on Diana's blog.

latter days

I've struggled much of my life with feeling insignificant. not only unworthy, inadequate, or unloveable, but so completely insignificant that anything I could do to make myself worthy or enough or loved would be bypassed entirely. 

this feeling grew and grew, until I no longer saw the point in even trying. it was pushed along by expectations that I would never be able to meet, by comments about the way I looked. it was pushed along by family and friends who pushed me, unknowingly, into thinking that I wasn't good enough, that I could never be good enough, and therefore I should just shrink into the background.

my introversion didn't help. by no means am I blaming my sense of insignificance on being an introvert. the two absolutely do not go hand in hand. but because I'm not the type to audibly combat these feelings, because I don't tend to push back against those who push me, I let myself believe that my life was inconsequential.

this led to years of quiet self-harm, from an age so young I don't even want to believe it myself. I didn't even know that self-harming was a thing, but I managed to figure it out and I was very good at keeping it to myself. 

it wasn't until almost five years later, when my depression had spiralled out of control -- taking over my eating habits, my comings + goings, my every thought -- that my youth pastor caught on and it all came out in a flurry of worried tears and harsh words. once more, I felt inconsequential. the way I was feeling seemed to only affect others insomuch as how it looked from the outside. I had missed most of my junior year of high school, and that appeared to be the most important thing to everyone.

I tried a lot of things to make myself feel. I didn't even care what the sensation happened to be, good or bad, I just wanted the numbness to abate. medication only made me more detached. relationships were a temporary fix. hurting myself was really only hurting myself {this makes so much sense on the outside, but mental illness can + does cloud logic}.

in my second year of university, two years into a relationship with the man who would be my husband, we both decided to get serious. he found acceptance in Jesus for the first time, and I rekindled a romance that had begun years ago but had been pushed aside by the lie that I was insignificant, even to Jesus.

I have experienced insurmountable freedom in realizing and truly understanding that my insignificance is only in light of the cross, and not others. my worth is found in Jesus. I am worthy to speak His name, because He tells me so. hallelujah + amen!

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I have been ridiculously blessed to be a part of the Overcome the Lie team as design manager. for many of the blog tour contributors, I've designed a custom print + they are all up for sale in the overcome the lie shop! head on over there to check out this print and more!

glimpses of pride

can I be honest a moment?

I've never been one to struggle with pride.

not that I have obtained anything or am perfect in any way. I have certainly been prideful a handful of times in my life, but nothing that lasted more than a short minute. nothing that swallowed me whole and threatened to drown me. as sin often has a way of doing.

no, I am confident in the fact that God has blessed me -- even while I wasn't actively seeking His will -- with modesty + respectfulness, with a willingness to submit to His authority.

but I have seen it.

or rather, I was smacked in the face with it.

but wait, let's rewind a little, shall we?

it was a friday night before the new year. I was at LIFE, the weekly worship service held on campus for + by the christian fellowship group there. I was singing for the first time in awhile, maybe even the first time since the beginning of the year, because of my shift in responsibilities in having a child. {what? you mean I can't just leave home + have a life like I used to? oh.}

I was leading worship with my husband + the band, and I was going for it. I was singing hard, I was worshipping hard, and I was loving every minute of it. the freedom to be out there, baby asleep at home with a sitter, was tangible. His presence was real + thick. I got caught up.

my voice broke.
and again.
the worst when all you want to do is sing forever, for His glory.

but was it?

I took extra sips of water + peppermint tea. I stood back from the microphone + let Joey take the lead on a few choruses I typically would have sung. I prayed that He would give me a voice to sing songs to Him.

but were they?

a few people were coming up to the front of the room, telling stories, sharing pieces of their hearts, and as I stood back, out of the light, I saw it.

or rather, I was smacked in the face with it.

I had become so caught up with singing into a microphone, I was no longer singing lyrics, praises to Him. the songs had become mere melodies, pleasing to the ear but vanity to the heart.

as the last person finished speaking + went back to the floor, we waited for whomever was to give the word for the evening; I stepped up to the microphone again, this time to share my heart. my pride, my sin in that current moment.

but I didn't.

I kept it to myself. I went down with the band + sat while the room listened to scriptural anecdotes. I cried out to God. I asked His forgiveness. I wanted to sing to Him, not just about Him. I wanted my voice to be used to bring Him glory in that space, not just to sound pretty.

I'll tell you: He listens. He hears your groanings. He covets your praises. He covets your life.

and when you're willing to give it to Him,
He will let you sing.


in what ways have you seen pride in your own life? how have you battled it?

faces of an influential woman

I have been so blessed to take part in the influence network for a bit more than two months now. I signed up as soon as the new year had been rung in, and it's a good thing the subscription is recurring, because the months have flown by quickly + I would have been so upset to miss even a moment of the action. if you know me in real life, you won't be surprised to learn that I'm more of a reader, a listener, a  taker-inner on the influence forums. at first I wondered whether it was really worth paying for a membership if I was just going to read through the forums + only participate sparingly, but the words I've read, the few times I have decided to open my mouth and share [because we introverts really just save up the best words to speak out!], they're worth it to me. this online community, these women, they're worth it to me.

today, along with other members of the influence network, I'm sharing a few things about myself as well as something I've learned through the network. now I could ramble on about all this for days, but I'll try to be succinct because there are a lot of blogs to get to!

I'm Courtney.
this is my face:

I didn't have a photo that I loved. well, not of myself. I could have pulled out hundreds of my seven-month-old. but the more recent photos are of pregnant-courtney, or worse, post-partum-courtney. instead of grabbing a go-to, nearly-three-year-old wedding photo, I snapped a few silly ones on sunday afternoon.

• I currently live in rural Nova Scotia, in one of the most incredible examples of community I could ever imagine existing. and it's made up of university students. no joke. I'm blessed every day by eighteen-to-twenty-two year olds. it's phenomenal to see the Lord moving among His youth. 
• I've recently realized I have a bit of an eye for design. and because of the encouragement + strategy I've gleaned from the influence network, I'm actually honing my craft + doing something with it. I would never have done it on my own, because putting myself out there is something I just never did.
• I'm a huge introvert and always thought myself so insignificant, especially to the Kingdom. but lately, in getting to know so many other strong women of God [many of them introverts!], I'm realizing I do have influence. I do have a voice. I can -- and must -- use it well for His glory.

I've learned much already in 2013, in this space + through Jesus in these women. [I mean, two of the three facts above would have been a whole lot more boring minus the influence network's impact.] but I think my favourite thing to have recovered through the network is something I've known most of my life but need desperately, like breath, each day:

today, I'm writing as part of the influential women link-up hosted by the Influence Network. if you have no idea what the Influence Network is, you should probably go check that out first thing. // but here's the short version:

considerations of a messy heart

I like things tidy.

I get all out of sorts when the dirty dishes have piled up after a dinner party. or when the bathroom faucet has dreaded toothpaste splotches on its surface. or when mount laundry has reached its peak + the baby's diapers also need to be cleaned + there are so. many. toys underfoot.

I try to stay on top of it all, the majority of the time. I do the dishes every second night. the bathroom faucet gets wiped off every time I'm at the sink. toys are put away after Rowan goes to bed for the evening.

and the laundry? well, it's hiding in our bedroom, along with our unmade bed. where the dirty laundry tends to keep hidden. behind closed doors, pretending, until we've had the chance to sort it out.

but grace isn't tidy. it doesn't pretend quietly behind closed doors. it's touted as a blonde-haired, blue-eyed Jesus, arms open to hug you into heaven. but you know full well He'd look you in the eyes and tell you to stop working so hard, Martha. your striving would be appreciated momentarily, but not encouraged. not sought after.

I often worry about my failures. as a wife + mother. as a friend. as a child of God. I doubt myself + my ability in performing well the task of raising the tiny life entrusted to me.

and in my own flesh? of my own ability? no, I suppose I'm not doing well.

I need grace. I need to live grace out + receive the gospel each day.

obeying Jesus is always going to look different when compared to the well-planned life-trajectory encouraged by the world. my home might not be spic + span all the time. I might not aim for the high-paying, stable job that won't fulfill me, or wait for the perfect moment to start a family, or vacation in Florida each year because that's what happy people do.

but if I authentically follow Jesus, and only because of His grace, my disordered, chaotic, untidy life will be made worthwhile.

the meaning of community

yesterday, while I was talking about running after an increase of passion + desperation for Jesus in my life, I quickly mentioned the community by which I’ve been blessed over the past seven years. here's a bit more.

I graduated from high school in 2006 and moved one province over, to Nova Scotia. I studied at a small, formerly catholic {now secular} school whose numbers doubled the town’s population while school was in session. I chose StFX over a bigger school in a city {Carleton University in Ottawa was a major contender} for the education.
tiny school = more one-on-one time = better learning environment, right?

in my freshman year, I relished the thought of being away from home for the first time, out from under the gaze of my parents, eager to not have to go to church on sundays or have to go to bed at a decent hour. excited to be in a residence with hundreds of students my age, including my boyfriend + my best friend, who happened to be roommates.

I wasn’t looking for a relationship with Jesus. I had been down that road before; I’d been hurt by my home church in the year prior + I figured I'd move on from the whole christian scene. little did I know that the summer youth director at my church had emailed the then-leader of the christian fellowship group on campus, asking him to look out for the three students who would be coming from her youth group.

on society night, as we checked out the clubs + groups available to us throughout the school year, we happened upon the christian fellowship’s table. the three of us signed our names + email addresses, although I’ll admit, I didn’t have any intention of actually going to their meetings. they were sure to be lame.

but when we placed the pen back on the table, the guy sitting by the sign looked at the paper + then back up at us with excitement. "you’re the Miramichi crew!” he exclaimed. he remembered our names from the youth director’s email + was intentional about following up with us. this made all the difference to me. now it was personal.

we met a few more people who were a part of xavier christian fellowship over the next few days, and went to the year’s first meeting, which turned out to be a worship service. they held these each friday night + they. were. super.

over the next few years I would learn the meaning of community.

 

in this strange little place, christians shared {at least a good portion of} their possessions. they worshipped, prayed, ate + did life together. it’s not something you expect to see on a university campus. it’s not something that many adult christians have even managed to accomplish organically {none at all, that I’ve seen}. but this group of forty-or-so 18-22 year olds had it down to a science. it wasn’t forced. there wasn’t any real effort put forth. it just was.

and we lived it.

in my senior year, I lived in a house with five ladies from the christian fellowship. a seventh woman lived downstairs in the basement apartment, and five more next door. there was a house down the street where three guys lived + another across town with six other members divided into the home’s two apartments.

the boyfriend + I got married after graduation, so we don't live with others in the community anymore, but the group still meets as a whole for dinner once a week, with many pockets of brothers + sisters dining together at other points. there are four different bible studies, two prayer groups, and a worship service, all spread out through the week. for the most part, the groups are facilitated by full-time students. the fellowship as a whole is completely volunteer-based. completely love-based.

my hope is that the students who remain here once we’ve gone will not take for granted the community that has been established. that they will pour out time + heart + money from their own pockets -- freely + without hesitation. because it’s what they’re called to do.

each one is a “broke student,” yet those with the least are offering drives to the grocery store, contributing to potlucks, giving up precious time to pray with their brothers + sisters. because it’s what they’re called to do.

doing life together.

because it’s what we’re called to do.

unquenchable fire

I have a confession to make.

I've been riding on the passion of those around me, allowing the mob mentality to carry me through. it's not that I don't have passion, but that I don't have enough. I have barely enough passion of my own to get by on my own.
I want more -- I need more of Him in my life.

in fewer than two months, I'll be gone. moving back to my hometown for the summer will certainly hold many struggles {interspersed, of course, with much goodness}. the most difficult to surpass will no doubt be forging our own community. for so long I've been a part of a group of believers who, while certainly not perfect, have their eyes set on Perfection + actively seek after Him with their lives. for this group of young people {many of whom live together in what has been a fairly good example of community + real church}, seeking God's heart means running fervently + passionately after it. 

our church back home is a wonderful body. it has been through extremely difficult moments over the past eight years, but it has growth through + in spite of them + is thriving with new pastors + new movements + new excitement. I can't wait to get back to serve in the place where I truly feel at home, the church in which I first fell in love with Jesus. I often, however, while visiting on a Sunday morning, notice a lack of the outward passion + urgency for Jesus I've grown so accustomed to swimming in within my current community. I rarely hear Jesus' name outside a church service, unless my husband or I bring up the topic. I miss the desperate prayer, the hours-long conversations about where we see the Spirit guiding + leading us.

I know what needs to happen. 

I know that if I want to see passion, I need to step out, get radical, and bring passion.

I can't ride on someone else's fire any longer. 

I don't want to.

happiness vs. joy

happiness. we're all looking for it, right? we all want to lead happy lives, to have happy marriages, to watch our children grow up to be happy.

but is it what God desires for us?

happiness

hap [middle english] : one's luck or lot; an occurrence, happening, or accident

happiness is based on happenings, circumstance. it's temporary. it's dependent on what happens to you. but God wants much more for us than mere circumstantial + temporary happy feelings.

+ I'm glad He does.

my happiest moments were just moments.

real joy is a whole different ball game.

happiness may come from time to time, but those moments are only by-products of the real deal. the ultimate destination God has in store for us is a great life of joy, both now + forever.

God wants to produce joy in you. He wants His children to experience joy.

joy

gaudia [latin] : to rejoice

joy is the positive confidence that comes by knowing + trusting God, regardless of the circumstances.

as believers, we will have times of deep unhappiness. but we will always have a reassurance, confidence, knowledge, and -- more important than a feeling -- an experience of true joy.

happiness is circumstantial, joy is relational

true joy comes from a real relationship with God, regardless of the circumstances.

the kind of thing you can't fake. you can't produce joy.

it doesn't make sense to a lot of people.

a peace that passes all understanding.

so why do I settle for moments of happiness instead of truly experiencing joy?

blogging in faith

I've been reading blogs for a long time now.

A long time. certainly more than half of my life, which made me barely a teenager when I discovered that there was a whole world online. a world like me who expressed themselves with words on a page.

shortly after I started up a blog of my own [which, in 2002, would be the first of many], I discovered that some blogs were written by Christians. and not just Christians who acknowledged God before going on with their daily lives, doing it all on their own. for these people, God was daily life. this seemed a bit foreign to me, despite having been raised in a household that had always attended church faithfully each sunday morning.

I began to write shyly about my own faith. I wasn't quite sure how to go about it, but I was starting to see, once I had immersed myself in my church's youth group + had built a friendship with my youth pastor, that having a relationship with God was more than simply showing up at church on Sunday. checking the event off my to-do list, brushing myself off, and getting myself through the week until the next sunday morning wasn't going to cut it. it had to be a full-time, constant commitment. a relationship that didn't end when I left the building in which I had first met Him.

around the time I began to fully know and walk with Christ, I stopped writing as often. it seemed as though I didn't have anything left to write. I had met Jesus + the interesting part of my life had finished. in reality, I just didn't know what to write about if I wasn't lamenting what I now understand were my first bouts with severe chronic depression.

it took me a long time {read: years} {read: until a short few months ago} to start the process of getting it right. to begin blogging in faith. to stop worrying about the number game + focus on what really matters.

to focus on the gospel.

the problem was, I had curated a space where the gospel wasn't welcomed. not that I had explicitly stated it. not that I would ever have admitted it, even to myself. I hadn't tried to make this a space where I didn't talk about my love for Jesus, it just happened by my lack of speaking Jesus. it was against the tone of my blog, so I kept it censored. I wasn't anti-grace, but I certainly wasn't showing it.

grace is messy. grace shows my weaknesses and my flaws, and it pushes some people away. and so I kept it out of my online self. {because I had inadvertently created a separate self when I began blogging about things other than my faith + the gospel fueling it.} and then my online self slowly crept into my daily self until Jesus wasn't constant anymore.

writing is a part of my life. it has been for as long as I can remember, as long as I was able to organize thoughts using pen + paper. words are an extension of my thoughts -- they are my thoughts. + I've learned that if I'm stifling my words, I'm not only stifling the Spirit + censoring Kingdom by leaving the gospel out of my blog, I'm also diminishing the presence of the Spirit + Kingdom in the rest of my life. it's just the way I work.

and so I've let go.

here, you're allowed to believe until it hurts.
here, you're allowed to doubt.
here, you're allowed to whisper.
here, you're allowed to yell.

here, in this space that relies on the gospel to shape its message, its content, its heart.

here, in this space that reveals a faith that doesn't come easily, a faith that needs grace day by day, over + over again.

a calling

some people hear God's call at once for their whole lives, knowing they will serve God as a teacher or a missionary, a soldier or a mail carrier. 

I don't think that's the case in my life.

I've never been one to dream of my future. as I've mentioned previously, I had never imagined my wedding day until a few months before it happened, caught in the thick of planning and tulle. as a child, I had no idea what i wanted to be when I grew up, often finding myself lost in a new idea, just to have that one beat out by the next, best thing. 

after all these years spent thinking that my life is pointless, that I'm not doing anything with my time because I'm not pursuing a passion outside the home, I'm done. believing those lies is not only hurtful to myself, but also to my daughter. I don't want her to see these lies in her mother's life.

I have a purpose. it might look different each year. it might change with the rolling tide. but it's there.

right now? I'm mothering a six month old. I'm praying for my husband. I'm heading up a bible study out of my living room + stepping out of my comfort zone to mentor some lady students in my community while desperately seeking a mentor of my own. I'm trying to make my life mean something, both online + off. 

I don't think God has called me to one thing for my life. I don't pretend to understand His plan today + I doubt I'll be any more in the know tomorrow, but it seems as though He's got me working on my adaptation skills. 

He wants to use different parts of me + my story to make much of Him in whichever space I find myself. 

I'll go with it until He gives me the next, best thing.

what has God called you to in your life?

I am a hypocrite

that's right.
it's who I am every day.

a hypocrite.

so often, Christians writhe in fear of having the label placed upon them. they don't want their mouths to say one thing + their actions to proclaim another. none of us want this. it is not our desire, we who are faithfully + fearfully seeking after God's heart.

but how often is it true?

how often do the little things we do fly in the face of what we're supposed to do? of what Jesus did?

when I pass judgement on someone for doing something I've done, or at least done in my heart, I am a hypocrite.

when I lie + tell an acquaintance that I'm fine when I'm really not, I am a hypocrite.

when I when I tell myself I am unworthy of any love or kindness, I am a hypocrite.

I'm coming to think, in some ways, being a hypocrite isn't the worst thing I could be.
I know, I know; hear me out.

being a hypocrite means that my heart is obviously firmly set on one thing, even though I don't always show it. isn't this our every day as Christians? don't we fail daily in our hearts [at the very least] to live up to the name + glory of the One who calls us His children?

we can't stay content in this. hypocrisy is not somewhere to remain comfortable.
but if you find yourself wondering if you're caught up in hypocrisy,
you might just be on the right track.

walking in His will.

I'm the type to stay silent, as opposed to risking doing something wrong, doing something against God's will. But when I look at the big picture of Scripture + look for Jesus instead of searching for words written for ME, then I find truth + know that I need to "rise up + walk" {Luke 5:23} out of my sin + into freedom. I don't need to focus on the do's + don't's, just on Jesus.

too often, I make it all about ME -- I need to share with boldness, not for my glory, but for His.

if we walk in submission to God, with hearts that want to follow Him, we don't need to agonize over every decision. we just need to do something for Him.

I follow His will when I make choices faithfully, using the resources + blessings He's bestowed upon me. when I know Him + He knows me, I can make decisions accordingly. even if I don't always make the best choice, I can be living in His will + learning + growing. grace does the rest.

what does it look like to abandon myself to His will?

what do I look like when I abandon myself to His will?

God doesn't want to hide His will from us. He wants us to walk in it + in Him + He makes His will clear to us when we genuinely seek Him.

and when I do seek + find His will, not only knowing it, but walking in it, my spirit sees renewal. revival. resurgence. there is a deepening of my faith that comes only in knowing that God's love never fails -- even when I do. when I'm chasing after Him, my decisions are made from a place of faith and not fear; not out of doubt + worry, but in complete hope + trust.

He made me this way. I'm going to run with it.

what do you look like when you abandon yourself to His will?

keeping up appearances

scandal.

I know, it's kind of backwards; usually you see people starting out with blogger + switching to wordpress once they've got their foot in the blogging door or have become a bit more established + know what they're looking for.

I, on the other hand have been blogging for the past ten years, almost exclusively with wordpress + never with blogger.

my curiosity got the better of me + once I set up a blogger account to take a look around, I kind of fell in love. I mean, pretty much everything else google does is gold in my books -- why wouldn't blogger be the same?

I was attracted to the amount of freedom blogger provided to keep up appearances, instead of having to pay to get exactly what I wanted in wordpress. once you're in, you're in; you have full access to change the coding around + make what you wish of the space. + as someone who likes to have things look just so, blogger definitely appeals to me.

but it left me wondering, when I really sat down + pondered my jump from what I thought was blogging perfection to what I always considered to be a starting point.

what am I more concerned with, when it comes to my blog? is it the way it looks, or the content? is it the fact that I can style everything exactly the way I want, or is it the gospel being read on the pages? 

instead of keeping up appearances, I need to let the dirty show. I need to cut through the guck + grime, revealing what's underneath. to show Jesus + let Him shape my appearance, overcoming my need for perfection.

He died a gruesome death so that I might live.

sure, I can live + write in a space that looks nice.

but it's nothing without Him in it.

my heart: weary + rejoicing

let's sit awhile + chat. stretch out on my big green rug in front of the heater, surrounded by the mess of baby toys + laundry -- forgive me for that. you can get yourself your own glass of water or a cup of tea; that's the way things work in my home. it becomes your home too, the moment you step in the door.

we can stay here + pour our hearts out to one another. it happens pretty naturally when we sit together, you + I.

my heart has been weary of late. heavy with the weight of the Christian community not living in Christ, but merely coexisting with Him. fitting Him into their schedules whenever they see fit, but the rest of the time, it's day to day. mundane. selfish.

my heart has been weary of late. aware that this coexistence occurs in my own life. I find myself scheduling time with Him, but letting it slip away with the second hand when things get "busy". I know that living in Christ is what I'm called to, but some days, when the dishes are piled up + the diapers need to be laundered + the baby won't nap for more than fifteen minutes at a time, it's easy to tell myself that God won't mind if I'm a day late. or maybe three days. or oops it's been a month.

and then comes the guilt.
but Jesus paid it all -- not just a portion! -- so that I might live. even when I mess up more often than I open my bible.

despite my sinful, heavy, guilty heart, my mouth has done much rejoicing in the past few days. because He has paid it all. all because of His love for me. how marvelous! oh, how wonderful!

there is joy unspeakable in His name. it's obvious + pouring out through His word. I need to devote more time to reading it. you need to devote more time to reading it. His words on our hearts will get us through the battle.

maybe next time you come over, we'll just read silently, side-by-side on the couch. it's one of my favourite things to do with you, don't you know.

linking up with alissa for coffee date friday

what good is it to me?

late last week, my husband + I sat down and watched some of the live feed from Passion 2013. one of our dearest friends was in the georgia dome with 60,000 other people, and we wanted to see what he saw, even though it's never quite the same when you're watching from the comfort of your living room couch.

one of the main sessions was led by Beth Moore. I don't tend to listen to or read much of her material, but our friend had told us how great her sermon had been, so we went back and gave it a go.

we both listened politely for a few minutes, and when she asked for bibles to be opened to Matthew 26, we obliged and turned the pages of our own bibles. I started taking notes, and before I knew it, the wide margins of my journalling bible were overflowing.

on friday night, we sat once more in our living room, this time joined by twenty others. we had just come from the worship service on campus and were hanging out, as is the friday night norm. there were a few pockets of people having conversations in the room, and at one point the passion conference was mentioned, one woman asking whether anyone else had watched any of it, in particular Beth Moore's session. when Joey and I responded emphatically that we had, eager to start some kind of discussion about what we had learned, she and her husband were both shocked that we had enjoyed the session.

"it was just an hour's worth of information about Passover! 

what good is that to us?"

the husband dismissed the whole thing just because it appeared to be centered around a tradition in which we as Christians don't typically engage. {+ don't even get me started on what he spoke about women teaching in the church ...}

I wasn't sure what to say, and simply showed them my bible, filled with notes, telling them how much I had learned + encouraging the wife to give it another try. the husband wasn't even paying attention to our conversation anymore.

the thing about passover, and specifically the last supper [the meal Beth Moore spoke of, out of Matthew 26], is that it's rich in Jewish tradition. the meal seems to go by really quickly according to that passage, mostly because it focuses on the bread + the wine -- the body + blood of Christ in today's communion.

now you'll have to just go + listen to Beth Moore give it, because I'm really not going to do it justice. but the short version of the story is that each step of the way through the passover meal, Jesus was intentional:

• He washed the disciples' feet at the point when there is normally a hand-washing ritual -- obviously this night is different from the passovers of days gone by!
• instead of taking all four "I will" cups throughout the meal, Jesus only took the first three cups:
• the cup of sanctification [I will bring you out]
• the cup of deliverance [I will deliver you from slavery]
• the cup of redemption [I will redeem you with an outstretched arm]
• the fourth cup [of restoration -- I will take you to be my people] Jesus said He would not partake of until the day when He would drink with us in God's kingdom.

the first two promises -- the first two "I will's" -- were fulfilled in the old testament, and the third would be fulfilled by Jesus' sacrifice. the fourth promise will be fulfilled on the glorious day when Jesus returns to bring His kingdom here on earth.

not only did he not partake of the fourth cup during the meal, but as He was praying in Gethsemane, Jesus asked that, if it was God's will, the cup might be passed from Him. Jesus is referring to the third cup, the cup of redemption -- the one Jesus gave to the disciples as His blood during the last supper. the cup we drink today as part of communion.



for you.
for me.

Jesus lived a perfect life, without any sin at all. He was hated in life + died a brutal deaht so I wouldn't have to. so you wouldn't have to.

Beth Moore's session wasn't just an hour's worth of information about the rituals of the passover seder. it was an hour's worth of back-story into the symbolism of the last supper. the reason why we drink the cup of redemption even today.

that's the good in her teaching.
He's the good in it.

#PrayerDare

I'm super excited to be involved in + announce the launch of this brand-spanking-new initiative, brought together by Amanda of A Royal Daughter. You'll be hearing more about this all throughout the year, but for now, I'll leave it to Amanda to get you well acquainted.

Hi y'all. My name is Amanda and I blog at A Royal Daughter. I'm really not here to talk about me, so if you want to know more, head on over to my little space on the internet and say hi!

I've been working with a handful of amazing, godly, praying women, and together we are excited to announce the launch of a brand new, year-long community initiative: #PrayerDare

What is #PrayerDare?

#PrayerDare is: an online community initiative with the goal of equipping, encouraging, and holding women accountable to practice the daily discipline of prayer. Each month, the #PrayerDare community will dedicate the entire month to praying for a specific topic. #PrayerDare will launch on February 1, and we'll be spending the "month of love" praying for our husbands*.

* For those of you who are not married, PLEASE don't feel excluded. In fact, we want to extend a special invitation for you to join us one of two ways:

1. Join us by spending 28 days praying for a man in your life who holds special importance, but is married to someone else. We're talking about guys like your dad, brother, pastor, or maybe even your best friend's husband. The point is, they need to be prayed for, and there's nothing that says it can't be you praying for them.

2. If you do not feel called to singleness, why don't you consider joining us by spending 28 days praying for your future husband? We know that God's not bound by time or circumstances, and spending a month praying for your future husband is probably one of the best things you can be doing for your future relationship.

All the Single Ladies....

...please join us!



The first goal of #PrayerDare is to equip women to practice the daily discipline of prayer. On February 1 we will be providing free downloadable prayer cards on aroyaldaughter.com. 

The prayer cards are intended to serve two purposes:

1. A daily reminder - After downloading the prayer cards (they will be available in black & white and in color), print them, cut them out, and place them somewhere in your home where they will serve as a daily reminder to spend some intentional, quality time in prayer. Maybe you can put them on your refrigerator, or bathroom mirror. Or you can put them in your Bible or quiet time journal. Just don't put them in file 13. They're no help in file 13.

2. A daily guide - The Lord told us that His Word will not return unto Him void (Isaiah 55:11). Each prayer card will offer a concise and specific prayer that is based on the Word of God. The prayers that we've written are meant to guide you as you begin (or continue!) to practice the daily discipline of prayer. We'd recommend writing your own prayerw, or prayer requests, on the back of each card. They will serve as a sort of testimony to your prayer life, and will allow you to go back and see how God has answered your prayers.

Our second goal is to encourage women to practice the daily discipline of prayer. We'll be building our community of praying women primarily on Twitter and Instagram, using the hashtag #PrayerDare. Following the #PrayerDare hashtag is an easy way to connect online without having to get involved in another website or follow another blog. We know you're busy, so are we! But we're not too busy to spend a few minutes each day praying, and then connecting online and encouraging others to join us.

Our third goal is to hold women accountable to practice the daily discipline of prayer. This is the doozie, right? We think that having someone (or a few hundred someones) holding us accountable is exactly what a lot of us need. So how are we going to do that?

Using the hashtag #PrayerDare, we want you to check in with the community every day. You can tweet, "Hey #PrayerDare sisters! I'm just checking in - have a great day!" or you can be more specific: "I love teaching my kiddos how to pray for their daddy. #PrayerDare" <--- It doesn't matter how you check in, just that you do. And here's where it gets real good, friends. Our idea is that if you miss a day or two or three, someone is going to notice. And it's their responsibility to reach out to you and make sure you're okay.

Did you see that? In order for #PrayerDare to work, each and everyone of us has to take responsibility. We have to be responsible for ourselves: that we check in each day. But we also have to be responsible for others. We need to be actively encouraging other women to pray, and reaching out to them if they slack off. And we need to do it with loads and loads and loads of grace.

FAQ:

I'm not on Twitter or Instagram, how can I connect?

We've created a Facebook page for #Prayer Dare. However, please keep in mind that the primary location of the community will be happening on Twitter and Instagram. So if find yourself on the Facebook page, you might find yourself in a leadership role right away! Feel free to take the reigns and get that community growing!

How do I follow a hashtag?
You can't actually follow a hashtag, so we'd recommend a two-fold system to stay in touch with each other:

1. Search for the hashtag #PrayerDare.

2. Create a list on Twitter for #PrayerDare. As you see new people in the community, add them to your #PrayerDare list.

How will I find people in the community?

Well, you can start tweeting and using the #PrayerDare hashtag! Get the word out there, we don't mind! And on February 1 we'll be hosting a link-up so all those who want to be a part of the #PrayerDare community can link up their Twitter or Instagram accounts. That will be a quick and easy way to make connections!

I'm not really active online, how can I participate?
While the original idea of #PrayerDare was to be an online-community, we DO NOT want to exclude those of you who aren't very active in the virtual world. You are more than welcome to print off the prayer cards. In fact, print as many as you want as often as you want. You can even use them to start your own #PrayerDare community in your local church, MOPS group, gym...you get the idea. The point is: if you do not want to be a part of the online community, make it happen in your own personal sphere of influence.

Can we share prayer requests?
Yes! In fact, if you're comfortable sharing prayer requests, please do. You'll have at your fingertips a whole community of women who will be able to pray for you at a moment's notice. You might want to take advantage of that!

How can I get the word out?

We're glad you asked! Start tweeting using our official hashtag, and it would be super helpful to point your followers to this post. Feel free to share in any way your heart desires. If you plan to join us, you can also put our badge on your website or blog.

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If you have any questions that haven't already been answered, please contact us! We can't wait to see you on February 1!

one big intention

here we are.
another new year upon us. another chance to get it right. right?

so many people set more than goals + resolutions for a new year, creating a new someone to be, and vowing to become that better, more organized, healthier-all-around person. but looking back from the end, how often does one actually take on the new identity they set out to become at the beginning of the year?

instead of a new self, this year I want to create a sentiment. A posture to hold for the year – through whatever might be thrown at us.


this year will be filled with new – from the firsts that come along with having a curious six-month-old, to applying [+ hopefully being accepted to!] school, to moving away from the first true, physical community of Christians we've ever been a part of + into the uncharted [perhaps nonexistant] community wherever we end up in the fall.

through all the new, this little family of mine needs to stay true to one goal.

not to make or save lots of money + not to go to the best school for us right now {albeit both of those things would be great!}. not to lead bible studies or serve on worship teams, not to read through the bible in its entirety or to serve our family with every ounce of energy we have {although these will all likely come of standing in our sentiment throughout the year}.

no, none of those. instead:

in all that we do, to go hard.

some people need to go away to find their mission, to proclaim God's name + do it with everything they've got. others need to hide behind their online anonymity {and some people hide God's name from their online life – this definitely used to be me!}.

but joey + I know we aren't called to a mission field away from home. we've accepted that the issues we face in real life would still be here, waiting for us when we returned from that far-off land; running from life – even in God's name + with a great purpose – just isn't the answer for us.

instead, our day-to-day lives need to be radical. we need to take God's love and let it radiate through us. to go out on a limb + stay there as long as He calls us.

when we're with our families + friends.
when we're at work or at the grocery store or at the doctor's office.
when we're online.
when our lives get hard.
when we don't get what we want.
when we haven't slept in ohsomanynights.
when we don't have a penny to spare.
when we have all the things.
when we have none of the things.

this is what You do

I've felt them.

The cold hands, feeling around, intertwining with mine.
Reaching around + grabbing hold of my mind, my body, my heart.

Seven years ago, I felt them first. They felt natural, like they had always been there, as though I merely hadn't noticed them there before.

I ran into many arms, trying to prove those hands wrong.
I lost parts of myself I could never get back.
I cried.
I bled.

It was never enough.
The cold hands never loosened their grip.

It took a long time before I ran into the right arms.
Arms that shook those hands away + made me come alive.

Full of shame, guilt + rottenness, I fled from the cold hands + into warmth, into arms offering honour, freedom + new life.

When I bled to try and save myself, I was telling Jesus His blood was not enough to cover me.

The problem was my blood was no good

This is what You do.

live + write

Once upon a time {ahem: a month ago}, I had nothing to write about.

I would find myself with my iPad + keyboard in my lap, or sit down at the computer once Rowan was finally down for a nap, and just stare at the blinking cursor, waiting for the words to come.

Part of my problem was the barrel that rolled me over + left me unsure of who I was + where I was heading.

But there was also a big part of me that wanted so badly to write, but didn't want to write about the one thing I actually had going for me.

There were plenty of words written, waiting in drafted posts, but I couldn't bring myself to publish them. To say words that couldn't be taken back, letting everyone know who I am, where I stand, where my allegiance lies.


People who have been reading my words, following along wherever I happen to go, might not want to follow any longer.

But who am I writing for? Ten years ago today, I started my first blog. At that point, I certainly wasn't even hoping anyone would read those words. I wrote for myself: to sort out thoughts, to rant + rave, to speak words I couldn't say out loud. And this time? I found myself in the trap of caring about how many were clicking. Of keeping my words deep enough that people will want to read, but not too deep as to scare anyone away. Instead of writing for my heart, I'd begun posting to advance myself. To further my own pride. My heart only came out so far; the rest of it sat in the ever-growing draft pile.

So I stopped writing.

A week of stubbornness later, those drafts were sorted through. Some have been published already. Others will be read in the next few weeks. The people I wanted to impress? They just don't matter anymore. If 9 people come back to read again, that's my influence.

I'd given my God a part of my heart {mostly the part of that sits in a comfy chair with my bible + journal} but kept the rest to myself. My blog? Well that's not for God, right? What can He do there?

But God is jealous for me. Let me make it clear -- He's not jealous of me, he's jealous for me. He doesn't envy my stuff, my position, my influence -- He doesn't need all that. He wants me. All of me. Not the parts I want to give Him, not the bits and pieces left over when I've divided myself between my husband + my daughter + the internet. All of me.

So I have to make a choice.
+ it's not as hard as I made it out to be in the beginning.
In fact, it's quite simple.

I have no idea who I'm cutting from His Kingdom by filtering Him out.
It's not a burden, it's my honour + privilege to worship Him through my words.

waiting on You

God is waiting to be good to you. He's looking + longing for an opportunity to show His goodness. He is a God of justice + desires to make every wrong thing right. But He can only be good to those who are waiting for Him to be good to them, those who believe His promises.

Are you available? Don't fall into a trap of negativity & complaint. Don't believe the lie that your past is really not past, that your future is bleak. Choose to believe God + receive the wonderful gifts He has ready to give to you!